A Hairy Situation

A Hairy Situation….
After the birth of our first child our sex life was put into a tail spin, my husband got no tail and that made him dizzy… (hee hee get it? Tail spin?) Anyway, one day I was thinking about all the reasons I didn’t want to have sex and one thing that kept coming to mind was the word “SEX” don’t you have to feel “SEXY” to want to have “SEX”? Well, it made sense to me. So, in an effort to get things back on track I thought to myself….. “Hmm, what can I do TODAY to feel sexy?” After looking in the mirror at the wreckage that was left behind from being pregnant (baby was 9lbs and I gained 80!) I thought “well not much.” But at a second glance it came to me... LESS HAIR DOWN THERE! I guess in all the excitement of pregnancy, child birth, and new baby I had failed to notice the dark forest of unkepted secrets….
Holy SHIT! What on earth had happened?? I think the prenatal vitamins were fertilizing the lawn! Time to take action! I had a plan; I was going to mow the lawn and edge! That would at least be a start. But I didn’t have much time and from the looks of things it was going to be a 3 step process to attack this job.

Step 1: trim up everything with husbands clippers Step 2: clean up sides and edge
Step 3: Moisturize to prevent itchy bumps

Right in the midst of clipping the plan was derailed by my precious crying newborn. But I was a woman on a mission! Quick as a flash I had divert to plan “B” and old bottle of Nair bikini hair removal. I quickly applied the cream in the bikini area and wrapped a towel around me and went to attend to my baby. Getting her back to sleep took a bit more time then what was recommended time on the bottle of Nair but soon she was fast asleep and I was back on track! (Well so I thought)
Apparently while moving around the cream didn’t stay in its designated are. I hopped in the shower to rinse away the “forest of unkept secrets” and globs of hair started falling out right in my hand! I just kept rinsing and it just kept falling out! I stepped out of the shower and looked down. It looked like my forest just barely survived a nuclear attack. There were little patches of hair dispersed sporadically between large bald spots. I had no choice but to finish the assault , with one more round of Nair my forest was gone leaving behind what seemed to be a map of highways upon a new glistening bumpy road. Not sexy AT ALL!! I had no idea you could get stretch marks there! I took a deep breath and knew at this point that God had put hair there for a reason and that some secrets are just meant to be kept.

Later that night I stuck to my plan to get the sex life back on track and hoped my de boggled attempt to improve my sexiness would go unnoticed. Not a chance, as soon as my husband caught a glimpse of the aftermath he was stunned to say the least! “WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED!!” I was speechless at his reaction... for about a half second, and then I just burst out laughing! “I’m you sexy bald bitch!” I replied. To which he quickly said “I don’t want to see that again until its back to normal”

Needless to say after about a week of itching nonstop, the forest began to grow again, and now is protected by the national wildlife federation for the conservation of my sex life.