I'm Back Bitches!!

Guess who’s Back?? ME! So sorry to all my beloved followers… I’ve had ONE HELL of an October! Over committed, over worked, and then… swine flu went through the ENTIRE family!! So, how has the sex life been going you ask? It hasn’t. I think I’ve put out ONE time in the past month and I’m not sure if me lying on my back with my head turned to the side while trying to not breathe on my husband during our 30 second interlude would even be counted as “sex” but oh well, I’m counting it! I want to start off my return with letting everyone know that out of the $21.00 raised only $5.00 went into my account due to paypal and bank fee’s. So, I’m canceling the donation section of my blog and I will buy a gift for the angel tree with the money donated to date. I will come up with another way to work towards my goal of a healthier sex life and body. THANK YOU to all who donated for your support and belief in me. I’m so sorry it didn’t work out the way I had hoped. Time to get back on track. I will be blogging EVERY DAY again! YEA!! And I will be walking EVERY DAY also! AND, (could there be more you ask?) Nope, that’s it. I think blogging and walking is enough for now… JUST KIDDING!! I will try to explore my inner sexiness and once again find it in me to try and give two shits about sex and bla, bla, bla…. I’m back and that’s what matters. So get ready ladies and my one male that reads sometimes, it’s gonna get hairy!

Finding the "SPARK PLUG"

I got home from work this evening to my husband in the driveway with the hood of our Honda Accord up. He was tinkering or whatever. ANYWAY, later he came in and said he was trying to change the spark plugs in the car and had a hell of a time finding them, to which I replied "not much different from the bedroom then uh?" to which he said " oh, I don't give a shit about that anymore" call me a bitch but "WHAT THE HELL?!" I know he wants sex but here inlies the problem! for men, an organism happens in 30 seconds or less, me and most women I talk to: the biggest "O" in their lives arrives at 4pm when Ophrah comes on. Give me a freaking break! I was so irritated. Now I KNOW I'm going to regret this rant, but HOLY SHIT! NO WONDER WOMEN DON'T GIVE A SHIT! Were expected to work FULL TIME, clean, still be a fun loving full time, PTA volunteering mom, A wife that puts out, takes care of herself, keeps EVERYTHING on the up and up and the ONLY thing most men are expected to do is keep a job. Let's see , it's 11:30 pm , the baby is up due to a late nap until probably about 1:30 am. Is my mechanic under the hood trying to find the "Spark Plug"? Oh, no... He clocked out at 5 and was in bed by 10 regardless of what was going on in the shop. Here's the thing, I don't have to look for his spark plug, it's in plain view, on the freaking dash board with flashing neon lights saying "TOUCH ME, TOUCH ME!" And the moment I locate the spark plug the motor revs up. I know it takes much more work under my hood then his, and most of the time I don't have time to work in the "SHOP" if you know what I mean. But at least "CARE" where my spark plugs are! In the mean time I'm suppose to be some fun loving, hot for my husband, walking for a tummy tuck, giving 100% , money making bitch. Well, I'm tired as hell and I'm don't give a rat's ASS if my husband EVER finds the FREAKING SPARK PLUG AGAIN! I think I just may put batteries in the new butterfly bullet thingy I got for my birthday and see what the future brings. Love to all my bitches! Peace out!

The Magic Bullet~ It's not just for quick quacamole baby!

So I got a birthday surprise from some close friends of mine...(you know who you are!) They picked my up today and took me to a dirty store and I don't mean the floors were sticky! I guess I 'm going to fess up to the blog world, I'm a virgin in the sexual electronic department and and after seeing what was on the shelves?? HOLY SHIT! The world has come A LONG way since the egg beater!

There were things that looked like a cactus with balls that you sit on?? and little bunnies with ears but something told me these bunnies had something more to offer than good hearing! There was a particular item called a "g ring" I think, It looked interesting. I had NO IDEA were to begin! My friends however were pros! they were shopping like it was the dairy department at the local grocer. Not a big deal. They agreed to start out simple and work my way up. So, I got some pop rocks your throw them in your mouth then throw your mouth on things and share in the popping! I thought this was a good idea, just in case I don't have sex I have a fun treat for later! Some dirty dice and a little thing called the butterfly bullet. I got it upon recommendation of the girls I was with, also it was cute and pink with a butterfly pattern on it. So we'll see what happens. I might just be on to something new in the bedroom! And as my close friend likes to say "Maybe the Hokey Poky is what it's all about!" (And you know who you are!)

ARRR! It's my Birthday! Where's the RUM?

20 some odd years ago from today the world was blessed with my birth! Ok, I'll tell: I'm 36! I cannot believe it! My husband came in and said "this is perfect! I've always wanted to screw a 36 year old, I better take a nap so I don't fall asleep during it"
What a smart ass he is! I told him it was MY BIRTHDAY and tapping the ass of a sleepy turtle wasn't exactly what I had in mind (see turtle post!) then he sweetend the deal with pizza (I wont have to cook dinner) a full size cut out of Captain Jack at the foot of my bed and a cheap bottle of wine! Looks like that turtle may cum out of it's shell after all~

LOOK AT MY TURLTE!

Have you ever noticed how proud men are of their shlongs? (that's what I call a penis)
A mans shlong is their buddy, their little friend. The one thing in life they can count on to always be there. When all alone and bored they know that it’s there, just hanging around waiting to cum out to play. Men are always grabbing it to make sure it hasn’t gone anywhere. Have you noticed in movies when men get mad and want to tell someone off they grab it aggressively, pull on it and say things like “Yea? Well suck this!” and they feel empowered when it’s in their hands! It seems to give them a sense of security like a loaded gun. “THIS IS MY DICK!” They think to themselves. And they are proud!

I’ve never thought “Shlongs” were necessarily a visual turn on. I mean, when their limp they kinda look like a turtle head pulled back into its shell with one tired eye always looking out. Then you have the balls hanging around… and when it’s hard? It seems like you better just take a hold of the situation before it gets out of hand!

Although I don’t think my husbands Shlong is...I don’t know, “CUTE” I think it’s cute how proud he is of it. Every time he whips it out of nowhere and shows it to me, it’s like a toddler showing me his first art project that he’s so proud of! I just shake my head, smile and say:
“Yes honey, it’s still there, and it’s YOUR DICK! Now put it away” and like a proud innocent yet evil little child he tucks his turtle back in its shell and skips away.

Donation update: I still haven't walked anymore or given my husband his "special" gift. NOt because I haven't tried, I have been up with the baby for 4 nights straight until 2 am! I plan on getting on track this week! I already have something special planned. You'll love it! THANKS FOR ALL YOUR SUPPORT!!

I have a MALE!!!

Ok, I have a Male and Female who have volunteered to do the interviews! This is going to be fun!! I am sending the interviews to them Via Email, Wednesday or Thursday of this week (I'm not quite done with the questions) and I will post their answers as soon as I receive them back.
Thanks!!

I have a Female, I need a MALE!

I have a female to interview for this blog. (read where theres a will theres a way post) Now I need a GUY! Come on boys... time to REPRESENT!!