YOU BIG FAKER!!

Hey all!
Well aunti flow is in town for the week so the 7 day sexcast is looking partly cloudy with possible thunderstorms later in the week and ending in a drought...

So I was laying in bed the other night and I had just gotten the baby to sleep and feeling a bit drowsy myself. I started drifting off when I heard the footsteps coming up the stairs, closer and closer they came... my heart began to race, FALL ASLEEP DAMMIT! I was screaming in my head... the door opened and my husband came in, thoughts were racing through my head...
"is he tired?" "Why is he coming to bed so soon?" "oh, God, I need sleep!" "does he need SEX?" (that's a stupid question)
Even with all of these thoughts running through my head I remained perfectly still, my breathing slow and even, my eyes closed softly...
HOLY SHIT! I'm FAKE SLEEPING! Is it working???? I feel him climb into bed, roll over and go to sleep, within seconds he's snoring....
So I'm not sure if he ever wanted anything but, what the hell?? I discovered that being a wife and mother has led me to be the BEST FAKER of all time! I'm serious! Look at everything I
fake:
1) ORGASM (not always but yes, i have faked it and really well)
2) SLEEP
3) When my kids or husband cook something " YOU DID SO GOOD! This is the BEST thing I have EVER tasted!"
4) Door Knockers (when missionaries or sales people or neighbors shows up unexpected)
"I don't mind at all, you're so great!"

And I know there is more! But the key to being good at faking is LOVE! That's why I'm so good at it! Just like when an actor is SOOOO GOOD in a movie, it's because he LOVES the role he's playing.
I LOVE my husband and kids so I would NEVER want them to think anything other than what they cooked me was the best, or that was the BEST sex ever or I'm asleep, that's all just asleep.
So I may be a big FAKER but I do it with a Big heart.
So, my question to all of you is... are you a big fat faker??

AND THE WINNER FOR PRETTIEST VAGINA IS!...

SO after my post about my "VAGIGI" having a really close and horrific resemblance to the underwater beast "The Kraken" (see Release The Kraken post) it got me to thinking, Maybe that's how it's suppose to look?? I don't know, I'm not saying it was a pretty sight (not to me anyway) but what are we comparing it to? Really? MOVIE STAR VAGINA'S that's what! And I'm not just talking porn stars, I was watching an episode of "Keeping up with the Kardashians" and it was all about the one sister having a panic attack because she needed a wax because her vagina had to be perfect for her husband came to visit. I thought "it's bad enough that every fiber of me has to feel inferior to most women in Hollywood, but now even my VAGINA is not up to snuff??!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!! " No one, (except me getting to know the Kraken) not even my husband has got a close up look in quite some time so does it really matter??

I have NO problem with the regular bikini area shave and keeping clean and trim, but I think the whole pretty vagina thing has gotten completely out of hand! I decided to Google "waxing your vagina" and it came up with 1,510,000 results! Now let me spell this out for you, ONE MILLION,FIVE HUNDRED AND TEN THOUSAND results on waxing your crotch! There is even support blogging groups for women who think they have ugly vagina's! REALLY?? If your in a support group for this I have 3 words for you... YOU NEED JESUS

I have absolutely NO problem with women who want to do this but let's face it, the pressure being put on women today has gotten out of control. Now I have to be Keeper of the KRAKEN just to feel like I haven't completely let myself go? So I'm posting the question to you all to pose to the man in your life... AND PLEASE be honest here... Does it really matter?? I'm not talking being clean, and trimmed but at the end of the day when the man in your life is about to FINALLY get some ass do you think he will stop and say "Well, you didn't shave and I don't see any bling so I'm going to have to pass, your vagina is just to unkept for my taste" I KNOW my man doesn't! I'm sure he would be all sorts of turned on if I did have the ass and breast of Kim Kardashian, and the very pretty and kept Vagina of her sister but he doesn't, he has me...Kracken and all! He seems to get it all up and going with no problem at all and has for 15 years. I'm all for a pretty, perfectly shaped, glittering vagina, but I'm also all for a clean house happy kids, a successful business and some sleep!

So I guess what I'm saying is in the scheme of it all I really just don't give a shit if every women in America is waxing, molding and shaping their vagina for the prettiest vagina contest, I will be sitting on the sidelines with my maybe "trimmed" up beasty and beer cheering you all on and still getting laid (if I've had enough to drink)

RELEASE THE KRACKEN!

So I started watching this show on the OWN network, for those 5 people out their who don't know, Oprah now owns her own network called "OWN"
Anyway, the show is about a sex therapist who goes and visits couples who's relationships are on the brink due to lack of a sex life, so far every episode I have seen it's been the women who have become disenchanted with the whole thing (Big Surprise) ANYWAY, it's actually really good and the sex therapist has given a lot of good advice and some really good things to think about. She gives homework assignments to couples, most of the time I think " good assignment" until last night, she assigned one women to take a mirror and look at her vagina so she could "Know herself" ???? What the HELL?? What is squatting on a mirror going to do? Well I'll tell you what it did for me, it scared the living shit out of me! Now to be fair to this therapist (I am a professional blogger)...I thought "well before I knock it I should try it and give my fair opinion, maybe I'll find my long lost libido down there" NOT THE CASE! To start I was in the tub when I decided to give this therapist advice a try. I didn't have a mirror but I could see my reflection in the chrome round thing in the tub that's above the drain and below the faucet, you know what I'm talking about?? if you don't go take a look at your tub, ANYWAY so I thought " it's kind of like a mirror and the image wont be really clear so how bad can it be?" Well, have you ever seen 'Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Mans Chest' where Davy Jones sends the under water beast, the Kraken to get Captain Jack? If you haven't I've attached a picture to this post to give you an idea of the image that awaited me... It was HORRIFYING!!
I was trying to see over all my junk, (stomach, rolls, skin etc) and I didn't have my contacts in so THANK GOD for little mercies because I can tell you there is a REASON we can't see it! It looked viscous and stubby yet hairy at the same time, I swear it had teeth! If my libido was lost down there, I don't think there is a chance in hell it will be recovered! Now I've seen other beasties and all I can say is I'm immediately looking into waxing, some sort of vagina therapy and Kegal exercises will be on the calender every day from this day forward. I will slay this beast! Oh, it's on! All I can say is the next time my husband wants to get it on I will be yelling
"RELEASE THE KRAKEN!!!!"

Bite it HARD!

Well thanks to a broken tooth and a very unwelcome root canal I have not been able to put out yet, I know what your all thinking.... YEA RIGHT! But this time I'm SERIOUS!! I had a root canal done on a tooth that broke and the pain has not let up since! I went back to the dentist and he said he thinks it's just sore and wait until Monday... Well it's Sunday and I woke up and had 4 ibuprofen for breakfast! The only thing that helps is when I bite down really hard and hold my jaw tight, it puts pressure on the tooth and the pain stops for a minute. So I was laying there this morning tighting my jaw and I thought I need a teether! something I can bit hard on to put pressure on my tooth! I rolled over and brushed up against my husband while I was trying to get up and he had his normal morning wood... And just for a moment I thought... yea you guessed it, I wonder if I bite it hard while it's hard will that help my tooth?? I'm willing to do just about anything at this point to make the pain stop! I get tooth relief, he gets sexual relief.....I could just gnaw on it to sooth my gums...... Well needless to say for the first time EVER my husband turned me down flat! I guess I can't blame him, even out of his desperation I'm sure me using his manhood as a chew toy isn't appealing. So, I'm off to the store to buy a teething ring and some anbesol... and as for my sex life? well I'm married and in pain... you do the math

Quick update!

Yep, just as I suspected, the husband got home, saw the new hair and made an offer to go upstairs and try it out... I had to of course decline due to many reasons mostly, kids, dinner, homework and of course I'm exhausted BUT, I didn't shut him down completely I gave him a glimmer of hope by saying with a bit of a twinkle in my eye: "the baby took a nap and just might go to sleep tonight" .. He's now downstairs pumping iron. I guess I'll start doing sit ups????

Tonights the night...

Well, I got my hair done, showered, shaved and I'm toying with the idea of getting on the treadmill, all in all this is the recipe for love... or just a quickie or maybe just a "brush up against him but maybe this weekend we'll make it happen" glance... I know for certain it's officially on the calender, when the bleach goes in the roots, the sex gets put on the calendar! Good thing I can only afford to get my hair done twice a year!

Miss me yet????

Well ladies, and men (maybe) I'm back! YEA~!~ It's been at least a year since my last confession, oh ...I mean post and well I thought it was time to get my fat ass back in the saddle and start blogging! Are you excited?? I'm! OK, so long time uh? lots of catching up to do so lets make it quick so we can get to the nitty gritty of the last year

First: I lost a few pounds! (about 2o)
Second: I gained some of them back...(about 12)
Third: it did in fact help my sex life a tiny bit
Fourth: It didn't help it enough to write home about...
Last: not much has changed here, still not horny, but somewhat happy, husband still not getting much but I think he's coping... Still think I'm pretty average, and so are you... THAT'S WHY YOU LOVE ME!!

Well that's about it. So here it is, I was reading through my past blogs and laughing hysterically at myself (those who know me know this is a common thing) and I thought, I'm just to dam good at this not to be sharing it with the world, SO... I will commit to blogging at least 3 times a week! I invite you to come along....