Mrs. Married Sex Journal

YOU BIG FAKER!!

2011-03-08T08:50:00.000-08:00

Hey all!
Well aunti flow is in town for the week so the 7 day sexcast is looking partly cloudy with possible thunderstorms later in the week and ending in a drought...

So I was laying in bed the other night and I had just gotten the baby to sleep and feeling a bit drowsy myself. I started drifting off when I heard the footsteps coming up the stairs, closer and closer they came... my heart began to race, FALL ASLEEP DAMMIT! I was screaming in my head... the door opened and my husband came in, thoughts were racing through my head...
"is he tired?" "Why is he coming to bed so soon?" "oh, God, I need sleep!" "does he need SEX?" (that's a stupid question)
Even with all of these thoughts running through my head I remained perfectly still, my breathing slow and even, my eyes closed softly...
HOLY SHIT! I'm FAKE SLEEPING! Is it working???? I feel him climb into bed, roll over and go to sleep, within seconds he's snoring....
So I'm not sure if he ever wanted anything but, what the hell?? I discovered that being a wife and mother has led me to be the BEST FAKER of all time! I'm serious! Look at everything I
fake:
1) ORGASM (not always but yes, i have faked it and really well)
2) SLEEP
3) When my kids or husband cook something " YOU DID SO GOOD! This is the BEST thing I have EVER tasted!"
4) Door Knockers (when missionaries or sales people or neighbors shows up unexpected)
"I don't mind at all, you're so great!"

And I know there is more! But the key to being good at faking is LOVE! That's why I'm so good at it! Just like when an actor is SOOOO GOOD in a movie, it's because he LOVES the role he's playing.
I LOVE my husband and kids so I would NEVER want them to think anything other than what they cooked me was the best, or that was the BEST sex ever or I'm asleep, that's all just asleep.
So I may be a big FAKER but I do it with a Big heart.
So, my question to all of you is... are you a big fat faker??

AND THE WINNER FOR PRETTIEST VAGINA IS!...

2011-03-03T20:59:00.000-08:00

SO after my post about my "VAGIGI" having a really close and horrific resemblance to the underwater beast "The Kraken" (see Release The Kraken post) it got me to thinking, Maybe that's how it's suppose to look?? I don't know, I'm not saying it was a pretty sight (not to me anyway) but what are we comparing it to? Really? MOVIE STAR VAGINA'S that's what! And I'm not just talking porn stars, I was watching an episode of "Keeping up with the Kardashians" and it was all about the one sister having a panic attack because she needed a wax because her vagina had to be perfect for her husband came to visit. I thought "it's bad enough that every fiber of me has to feel inferior to most women in Hollywood, but now even my VAGINA is not up to snuff??!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!! " No one, (except me getting to know the Kraken) not even my husband has got a close up look in quite some time so does it really matter??

I have NO problem with the regular bikini area shave and keeping clean and trim, but I think the whole pretty vagina thing has gotten completely out of hand! I decided to Google "waxing your vagina" and it came up with 1,510,000 results! Now let me spell this out for you, ONE MILLION,FIVE HUNDRED AND TEN THOUSAND results on waxing your crotch! There is even support blogging groups for women who think they have ugly vagina's! REALLY?? If your in a support group for this I have 3 words for you... YOU NEED JESUS

I have absolutely NO problem with women who want to do this but let's face it, the pressure being put on women today has gotten out of control. Now I have to be Keeper of the KRAKEN just to feel like I haven't completely let myself go? So I'm posting the question to you all to pose to the man in your life... AND PLEASE be honest here... Does it really matter?? I'm not talking being clean, and trimmed but at the end of the day when the man in your life is about to FINALLY get some ass do you think he will stop and say "Well, you didn't shave and I don't see any bling so I'm going to have to pass, your vagina is just to unkept for my taste" I KNOW my man doesn't! I'm sure he would be all sorts of turned on if I did have the ass and breast of Kim Kardashian, and the very pretty and kept Vagina of her sister but he doesn't, he has me...Kracken and all! He seems to get it all up and going with no problem at all and has for 15 years. I'm all for a pretty, perfectly shaped, glittering vagina, but I'm also all for a clean house happy kids, a successful business and some sleep!

So I guess what I'm saying is in the scheme of it all I really just don't give a shit if every women in America is waxing, molding and shaping their vagina for the prettiest vagina contest, I will be sitting on the sidelines with my maybe "trimmed" up beasty and beer cheering you all on and still getting laid (if I've had enough to drink)

RELEASE THE KRACKEN!

2011-03-01T21:52:00.000-08:00

So I started watching this show on the OWN network, for those 5 people out their who don't know, Oprah now owns her own network called "OWN"
Anyway, the show is about a sex therapist who goes and visits couples who's relationships are on the brink due to lack of a sex life, so far every episode I have seen it's been the women who have become disenchanted with the whole thing (Big Surprise) ANYWAY, it's actually really good and the sex therapist has given a lot of good advice and some really good things to think about. She gives homework assignments to couples, most of the time I think " good assignment" until last night, she assigned one women to take a mirror and look at her vagina so she could "Know herself" ???? What the HELL?? What is squatting on a mirror going to do? Well I'll tell you what it did for me, it scared the living shit out of me! Now to be fair to this therapist (I am a professional blogger)...I thought "well before I knock it I should try it and give my fair opinion, maybe I'll find my long lost libido down there" NOT THE CASE! To start I was in the tub when I decided to give this therapist advice a try. I didn't have a mirror but I could see my reflection in the chrome round thing in the tub that's above the drain and below the faucet, you know what I'm talking about?? if you don't go take a look at your tub, ANYWAY so I thought " it's kind of like a mirror and the image wont be really clear so how bad can it be?" Well, have you ever seen 'Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Mans Chest' where Davy Jones sends the under water beast, the Kraken to get Captain Jack? If you haven't I've attached a picture to this post to give you an idea of the image that awaited me... It was HORRIFYING!!
I was trying to see over all my junk, (stomach, rolls, skin etc) and I didn't have my contacts in so THANK GOD for little mercies because I can tell you there is a REASON we can't see it! It looked viscous and stubby yet hairy at the same time, I swear it had teeth! If my libido was lost down there, I don't think there is a chance in hell it will be recovered! Now I've seen other beasties and all I can say is I'm immediately looking into waxing, some sort of vagina therapy and Kegal exercises will be on the calender every day from this day forward. I will slay this beast! Oh, it's on! All I can say is the next time my husband wants to get it on I will be yelling
"RELEASE THE KRAKEN!!!!"

Bite it HARD!

2011-02-27T08:52:00.000-08:00

Well thanks to a broken tooth and a very unwelcome root canal I have not been able to put out yet, I know what your all thinking.... YEA RIGHT! But this time I'm SERIOUS!! I had a root canal done on a tooth that broke and the pain has not let up since! I went back to the dentist and he said he thinks it's just sore and wait until Monday... Well it's Sunday and I woke up and had 4 ibuprofen for breakfast! The only thing that helps is when I bite down really hard and hold my jaw tight, it puts pressure on the tooth and the pain stops for a minute. So I was laying there this morning tighting my jaw and I thought I need a teether! something I can bit hard on to put pressure on my tooth! I rolled over and brushed up against my husband while I was trying to get up and he had his normal morning wood... And just for a moment I thought... yea you guessed it, I wonder if I bite it hard while it's hard will that help my tooth?? I'm willing to do just about anything at this point to make the pain stop! I get tooth relief, he gets sexual relief.....I could just gnaw on it to sooth my gums...... Well needless to say for the first time EVER my husband turned me down flat! I guess I can't blame him, even out of his desperation I'm sure me using his manhood as a chew toy isn't appealing. So, I'm off to the store to buy a teething ring and some anbesol... and as for my sex life? well I'm married and in pain... you do the math

Quick update!

2011-02-22T18:56:00.000-08:00

Yep, just as I suspected, the husband got home, saw the new hair and made an offer to go upstairs and try it out... I had to of course decline due to many reasons mostly, kids, dinner, homework and of course I'm exhausted BUT, I didn't shut him down completely I gave him a glimmer of hope by saying with a bit of a twinkle in my eye: "the baby took a nap and just might go to sleep tonight" .. He's now downstairs pumping iron. I guess I'll start doing sit ups????

Tonights the night...

2011-02-22T17:44:00.000-08:00

Well, I got my hair done, showered, shaved and I'm toying with the idea of getting on the treadmill, all in all this is the recipe for love... or just a quickie or maybe just a "brush up against him but maybe this weekend we'll make it happen" glance... I know for certain it's officially on the calender, when the bleach goes in the roots, the sex gets put on the calendar! Good thing I can only afford to get my hair done twice a year!

Miss me yet????

2011-02-21T21:44:00.000-08:00

Well ladies, and men (maybe) I'm back! YEA~!~ It's been at least a year since my last confession, oh ...I mean post and well I thought it was time to get my fat ass back in the saddle and start blogging! Are you excited?? I'm! OK, so long time uh? lots of catching up to do so lets make it quick so we can get to the nitty gritty of the last year

First: I lost a few pounds! (about 2o)
Second: I gained some of them back...(about 12)
Third: it did in fact help my sex life a tiny bit
Fourth: It didn't help it enough to write home about...
Last: not much has changed here, still not horny, but somewhat happy, husband still not getting much but I think he's coping... Still think I'm pretty average, and so are you... THAT'S WHY YOU LOVE ME!!

Well that's about it. So here it is, I was reading through my past blogs and laughing hysterically at myself (those who know me know this is a common thing) and I thought, I'm just to dam good at this not to be sharing it with the world, SO... I will commit to blogging at least 3 times a week! I invite you to come along....

I'm Back Bitches!!

2009-11-05T21:01:00.000-08:00

Guess who’s Back?? ME! So sorry to all my beloved followers… I’ve had ONE HELL of an October! Over committed, over worked, and then… swine flu went through the ENTIRE family!! So, how has the sex life been going you ask? It hasn’t. I think I’ve put out ONE time in the past month and I’m not sure if me lying on my back with my head turned to the side while trying to not breathe on my husband during our 30 second interlude would even be counted as “sex” but oh well, I’m counting it! I want to start off my return with letting everyone know that out of the $21.00 raised only $5.00 went into my account due to paypal and bank fee’s. So, I’m canceling the donation section of my blog and I will buy a gift for the angel tree with the money donated to date. I will come up with another way to work towards my goal of a healthier sex life and body. THANK YOU to all who donated for your support and belief in me. I’m so sorry it didn’t work out the way I had hoped. Time to get back on track. I will be blogging EVERY DAY again! YEA!! And I will be walking EVERY DAY also! AND, (could there be more you ask?) Nope, that’s it. I think blogging and walking is enough for now… JUST KIDDING!! I will try to explore my inner sexiness and once again find it in me to try and give two shits about sex and bla, bla, bla…. I’m back and that’s what matters. So get ready ladies and my one male that reads sometimes, it’s gonna get hairy!

Finding the "SPARK PLUG"

2009-10-06T22:24:00.000-07:00

I got home from work this evening to my husband in the driveway with the hood of our Honda Accord up. He was tinkering or whatever. ANYWAY, later he came in and said he was trying to change the spark plugs in the car and had a hell of a time finding them, to which I replied "not much different from the bedroom then uh?" to which he said " oh, I don't give a shit about that anymore" call me a bitch but "WHAT THE HELL?!" I know he wants sex but here inlies the problem! for men, an organism happens in 30 seconds or less, me and most women I talk to: the biggest "O" in their lives arrives at 4pm when Ophrah comes on. Give me a freaking break! I was so irritated. Now I KNOW I'm going to regret this rant, but HOLY SHIT! NO WONDER WOMEN DON'T GIVE A SHIT! Were expected to work FULL TIME, clean, still be a fun loving full time, PTA volunteering mom, A wife that puts out, takes care of herself, keeps EVERYTHING on the up and up and the ONLY thing most men are expected to do is keep a job. Let's see , it's 11:30 pm , the baby is up due to a late nap until probably about 1:30 am. Is my mechanic under the hood trying to find the "Spark Plug"? Oh, no... He clocked out at 5 and was in bed by 10 regardless of what was going on in the shop. Here's the thing, I don't have to look for his spark plug, it's in plain view, on the freaking dash board with flashing neon lights saying "TOUCH ME, TOUCH ME!" And the moment I locate the spark plug the motor revs up. I know it takes much more work under my hood then his, and most of the time I don't have time to work in the "SHOP" if you know what I mean. But at least "CARE" where my spark plugs are! In the mean time I'm suppose to be some fun loving, hot for my husband, walking for a tummy tuck, giving 100% , money making bitch. Well, I'm tired as hell and I'm don't give a rat's ASS if my husband EVER finds the FREAKING SPARK PLUG AGAIN! I think I just may put batteries in the new butterfly bullet thingy I got for my birthday and see what the future brings. Love to all my bitches! Peace out!

The Magic Bullet~ It's not just for quick quacamole baby!

2009-10-02T16:34:00.000-07:00

So I got a birthday surprise from some close friends of mine...(you know who you are!) They picked my up today and took me to a dirty store and I don't mean the floors were sticky! I guess I 'm going to fess up to the blog world, I'm a virgin in the sexual electronic department and and after seeing what was on the shelves?? HOLY SHIT! The world has come A LONG way since the egg beater!

There were things that looked like a cactus with balls that you sit on?? and little bunnies with ears but something told me these bunnies had something more to offer than good hearing! There was a particular item called a "g ring" I think, It looked interesting. I had NO IDEA were to begin! My friends however were pros! they were shopping like it was the dairy department at the local grocer. Not a big deal. They agreed to start out simple and work my way up. So, I got some pop rocks your throw them in your mouth then throw your mouth on things and share in the popping! I thought this was a good idea, just in case I don't have sex I have a fun treat for later! Some dirty dice and a little thing called the butterfly bullet. I got it upon recommendation of the girls I was with, also it was cute and pink with a butterfly pattern on it. So we'll see what happens. I might just be on to something new in the bedroom! And as my close friend likes to say "Maybe the Hokey Poky is what it's all about!" (And you know who you are!)

ARRR! It's my Birthday! Where's the RUM?

2009-10-01T17:13:00.001-07:00

20 some odd years ago from today the world was blessed with my birth! Ok, I'll tell: I'm 36! I cannot believe it! My husband came in and said "this is perfect! I've always wanted to screw a 36 year old, I better take a nap so I don't fall asleep during it"
What a smart ass he is! I told him it was MY BIRTHDAY and tapping the ass of a sleepy turtle wasn't exactly what I had in mind (see turtle post!) then he sweetend the deal with pizza (I wont have to cook dinner) a full size cut out of Captain Jack at the foot of my bed and a cheap bottle of wine! Looks like that turtle may cum out of it's shell after all~

LOOK AT MY TURLTE!

2009-09-29T17:31:00.000-07:00

Have you ever noticed how proud men are of their shlongs? (that's what I call a penis)
A mans shlong is their buddy, their little friend. The one thing in life they can count on to always be there. When all alone and bored they know that it’s there, just hanging around waiting to cum out to play. Men are always grabbing it to make sure it hasn’t gone anywhere. Have you noticed in movies when men get mad and want to tell someone off they grab it aggressively, pull on it and say things like “Yea? Well suck this!” and they feel empowered when it’s in their hands! It seems to give them a sense of security like a loaded gun. “THIS IS MY DICK!” They think to themselves. And they are proud!

I’ve never thought “Shlongs” were necessarily a visual turn on. I mean, when their limp they kinda look like a turtle head pulled back into its shell with one tired eye always looking out. Then you have the balls hanging around… and when it’s hard? It seems like you better just take a hold of the situation before it gets out of hand!

Although I don’t think my husbands Shlong is...I don’t know, “CUTE” I think it’s cute how proud he is of it. Every time he whips it out of nowhere and shows it to me, it’s like a toddler showing me his first art project that he’s so proud of! I just shake my head, smile and say:
“Yes honey, it’s still there, and it’s YOUR DICK! Now put it away” and like a proud innocent yet evil little child he tucks his turtle back in its shell and skips away.

Donation update: I still haven't walked anymore or given my husband his "special" gift. NOt because I haven't tried, I have been up with the baby for 4 nights straight until 2 am! I plan on getting on track this week! I already have something special planned. You'll love it! THANKS FOR ALL YOUR SUPPORT!!

I have a MALE!!!

2009-09-28T15:28:00.000-07:00

Ok, I have a Male and Female who have volunteered to do the interviews! This is going to be fun!! I am sending the interviews to them Via Email, Wednesday or Thursday of this week (I'm not quite done with the questions) and I will post their answers as soon as I receive them back.
Thanks!!

I have a Female, I need a MALE!

2009-09-28T13:24:00.000-07:00

I have a female to interview for this blog. (read where theres a will theres a way post) Now I need a GUY! Come on boys... time to REPRESENT!!

Where there's a will there's a way....

2009-09-27T16:46:00.000-07:00

Where there's a will there's a way
Meaning: If we have the determination to do something, we can always find the path or method to do it..

I heard this saying the other day and it got me to thinking about what I'm doing here on this blog. I thought about what this saying really means: If we have the determination to do something, we can ALWAYS find the way.

My husband told me we have the WORST sex life out of any married couple out there. Does this picture look familiar? Although she's playing cards on his back, he's ok because at least he's gettin some ass! Well, it looked familiar to me, though I don't play cards. It wasn't always like this. There was once a time when I felt sexy, and I ENJOYED sex. I really got into it. I liked being wanted. Now I just feel and act put out if my husband mentions it. I don't want to be the couple in this picture, do you?

It seems to in order to get our sex life (and marriage) back on track for me or anyone out there reading this that feel their relationship is in same boat, you have to start with a "WILL" to get it on track. So I asked myself: "am I willing to do what it takes to start having sex again on a regular basis, and not just have it to have it, but to ENJOY it and grow closer because of it?" And the answer for me was "YES"

I asked MYSELF the questions because the more I blog and self discover the more I realize that It is A LOT more about ME than I thought. It starts with me and what I need to do.

I think I'm on the right track as far as the "WAY" part goes. I'm working on myself. I'm making my husband a priority in my DAILY life. And with blogging it's helped to see that I'm not alone.

With that: I would like to interview a man and women for a post on my blog. ( it doesn't have to be a couple) I will email you a list of questions to answer that I feel would dig deeper into the sex life of married people from others perspectives. I would LOVE to see that we are not alone and that we can all (men and women) start working together to have healthier sex lives. I don't know about the rest of you but I want to feel YOUNG for a very long time and being active in the bedroom I feel will help that, a preferably with the one we love. SO, if you are interested in being interviewed for this blog, it can be anonymous or not please email me at : marriedsexlife@gmail.com

Donation Update: I just hit the $20 mark! YEA!! So, my husband is in for something special. (tomorrows post) Thanks for the comments, suggestions and donations!! My goal is to have my miles walked caught up with donations by Wednesday Sept. 30th and remember, giving is receiving!!

LOVE YOU GUYS!!

Donation Update

2009-09-24T20:48:00.000-07:00

I got $3.00 more donated TODAY!!
THANKS SO MUCH!!! I LOVE YOU GUYS! I'm going to walk 10 miles tomorrow! 5 miles in the morning 5 miles in the evening!
$1.00 more and I hit a $20.00 benchmark and I have to do something special for my husband. (any suggestions??) Come on boy's let's keep it clean!

AC/DC gets it, Why can't I??

2009-09-23T23:25:00.000-07:00

So I’m working out on the treadmill trying to catch up on the miles donated to my TUMMY TUCK & Sex project. I’m listening to AC/DC. GREAT band. Here are the songs I heard in order:
*Back in Black
* Big Balls
*Given the dog a bone
*Have a drink on me
*It’s a long way to the Top (5,000 freaking miles for me if you donate a dollar today!)
*Let me put my love into you
*Little Lover
*Love at first FEEL
*Sink the Pig
*Squealer
*TNT
*What you do for money honey
*Who made who
*You shook me all night long!!
Now listen, if you’re going to work out to get your sex life on track, download these songs in this order and tell me you’re not ready to jump your husband by the end of your workout??

This is what I got out of the music,

*Back in Black I hit the sack, I bet your glad to be back with your Big Balls, Given me your doggy bone after having a drink on me cuz it’s a long way to the top if you let me put my love into you, little lover. I fell in LOVE at first Feel when we played sink the pig and I became a squealer! It was like TNT! And this blog??? What you do for money honey, Who made Who?? Who gives a shit? Just shake me all night long!

EVERY SINGLE SONG was related to SEX in some way! I felt my ass twitch a as I was shaken it while walking. I knew almost every word to every song. It was great! I really hadn’t listened to these songs since High School. I felt young. I wanted to rat my hair up as high as I could get it, put on some tight jeans (that’s easy, every pair I own are tight) lather my lips in shiny gloss, roll up a fatty of love and friendship and GET IT ON!
I knew I didn’t have the same body as I did in School, or a drug dealer, but I have something my husband wanted, and AC/DC told me to give it to him, who was I to argue?So yes, he got it tonight, not all night long, not even all minute long but who cares, I felt young, vibrant, and sexy (even a bit tipsy due to the wine) …. And that’s all that matters! Rock on Bitches, ROCK ON!

The Man Who Listened... (ANOTHER MALE COMMENT!)

2009-09-23T15:00:00.000-07:00

I would LOVE every women to read this comment by a man!

ok, so I have been shown your blog by my wife and I find it interesting. The following are my

thoughts. I currently think my wife and I could compete with you for "the worst" sex life. 10+ years of marriage, 3 kids with one being a just over 1 year have taken the toll on us. I, being male, do think with my lower head like pretty much like every male out there. And yes your "whoop there it is" post would apply to me as well, you want to know why? Well you never know when that split second of horny might happen.

Don't get me wrong I know I am a little annoying with it but I would take anything I can get right now. My wife expresses your same contempt for her body as you do; childbirth has done its damage... to the both of us! My sympathy weight came on with hers. My wife tells me that she is not happy with her body and that is why she would rather not have sex. She doesn't feel sexy. I am nothing to look at right now either but I am working on it. I know my wife loves me I just wish that physical connection was there and more frequent.

I have yet to meet or even hear about the woman that is into sex, that isn't getting paid for it, like men are. We are interested in having sex pretty much at anytime in anyplace. Do you enjoy sex? Do you have sex with your husband to get it over with or to please yourself? Do you have the big O every time? Do you tell your husband what you want? The answer to these will reveal some issues I think.

I think your goal for $5000 is great and I am pretty sure you will get “donations” from your husband as well if he is smart.

But while I mention him let me tell you something about the picture you paint about him. You paint with your words as well as Bob Ross painting some happy little trees. Your husband sounds like a Jack Ass. Does he dig ditches for a living? Is his job stressful? Missile command? Air traffic control? Construction? A 3 hour nap after work? Are you fu***** kidding me? I have worked some shitty jobs in my day but after 1 week I am used to the schedule and can function after work. You say your husband reads this blog, well I hope he reads this part, GROW UP! The days of Ward and June Cleaver died out long ago. Participate with your family before it is only weekends that you get to see your kids. Ok that might have been a little harsh but if the painting that I am looking at fits the subject, I don't think I am.

I have a pretty easy job. I am a desk jockey in the technical field, but I worked hard to get where I am. I help out at home quite a bit if I do say so myself. My day would be like this. Wake up with the kids and help with them to be ready to be out the door for school; go to work; come home and help with kids, house, dinner, whatever; help get the kids to bed; spend time doing my own things and hang out with the wife till she falls asleep or I do. Personally I run on about 5-6 hours of sleep, more than that and I feel worse off. I know I could be the exception to the rule that you state but that is how I feel things in a modern home should be.

I am not saying that your situation is any better than mine, but I see your switches quite clearly. If I knew that “dishes = sex” you would never see a dish in the sink. You are laying out the treasure map for your husband. Hell if this was Dora the Explorer some freaky little map would be jumping up and down right now yelling "LAWN, DISHES, PLEASURE VALLEY!"
I am interested to follow you along on your journey and see where or what becomes of this. I will probably comment again but I will try to keep it brief. Maybe I can find the Treasure map at my house along the way.

My response:
Oh my goodness! Where to begin!
First off, THANK YOU for what seems to be such an honest comment. AND I LOVED the “DORA THE EXPLORER” add in, I was just LAUGHING my ass off! It was great! Just the fact you know the show shows me that you are in tune with your kids.
Secondly, My husband is not a "Jack ASS" he's not perfect for sure but who is? I'm the only one allowed to call him namses!

To answer your questions… Honestly?
Do you have sex with your husband to get it over with: Yes. Not ALWAYS to get it over with but because I know he needs it at least once in awhile and I’m his wife, sooooo…..And RARELY to just please myself. I could go MONTHS without it and never give it a second thought.

Do you have the big O every time? No. I have a little “O” here and there and once in awhile a medium to large “O” I don’t have easy “O”’s by any means it takes some effort and being as I usually start out with “ok, we have about 3.5 min before the baby wakes up so make it quick!” I think I pretty much set the pace right out of the gate. To be honest, I really don’t care to have the big “O” that much. And from talking to a lot of my friends, they don’t care either. I think it means more to the man that he is able to deliver the big “O” than to women that she has one. It gives him a sense of validation in the bedroom.

I appreciate the fact that you actually understood what I was saying about the helping around the house. What most men seem to miss is the helping on a CONSISTANT basis. Not “I need sex so I’m loading the dishwasher tonight!”
I think a lot of the issues in my household I set right at the beginning of our marriage. I did everything! I never asked for help. I wanted to be the “June Cleaver” house wife, and my husband, being an only child and always having everything done for him fell into the roll perfectly. But as life changed so did I. Now I want to bitch slap June Cleaver tell her put on a T Shirt and sweat pants and gain some weight so the rest of us can feel normal!
I think it’s great that you are so involved in the day to day but obviously the sex life isn’t on track so that isn’t the issue. For me it’s part of it, not all of it. I have found talking to other women that some men that help A LOT usually don’t seem t feed their wives ‘Emotional’ needs. My husband is constantly telling me how great I am, but it’s just not enough to get me in the sack!
I honestly think that if I can start working on MYSELF and he start helping more we will meet in the middle. I would LOVE for you to continue to follow and comment and maybe we’ll find your map as well! It’s so important to hear different perspectives. So….
COME ON BONAMOS! Everybody let’s go! Come let’s get to it, I KNOW THAT WE CAN DO IT!
Where are we going? ….. TO GET SOME SEX!

Walking for a TUMMY TUCK UPDATE: I raised another $13.00 That's 13 more miles! I've walked 2 miles. I know have 14 miles to catch up on so I better get off my ass and start moving!!

THANKS FOR YOUR SUPPORT!!! I LOVE YOU ALL~

A comment I would like to share...

2009-09-22T08:23:00.001-07:00

I had a comment I would like to share:

I've enjoyed your blog, but I don't see why I'm supposed to pay you for it.

First off: THANK YOU for reading my blog and I'm so thrilled you have enjoyed it!! I don't expect ANYONE to donate to my cause of weight loss and a better sex life that doesn't absolutely want to. I just deiced to try a new approach of accountability, working towards a goal, and testing some theories. I would LOVE for you to continue to read my blog even if you don't feel the need to donate.

Update: I raised $3.00 my first day!!!! I got on my treadmill last night at 9:30 pm and walked 2 miles. I will walk another mile today. I put on some AC DC and got my groove on! It felt great but not quite great enough to want to have sex... but it's only the first day so we'll see. I also have been calling my husband everyday at work to let him know I love him. I feel as though I'm on the right track! Got to get to work, I will keep you all updated! Thanks for your support!!

Do you have ED Zachery Disease?

2009-09-21T11:39:00.000-07:00

I'm a woman, becoming more and more concerned that I may never succeed in improving my sex life with my mate, I decided to seek out the help of a sex therapist.
Searching through the phone book, I came upon a Japanese doctor, who happens to be a sex therapist, and I make an appointment.
After explaining my symptoms to the doctor, he says, "Take off all crowes and crawl real fass away from me across froor."
so out of desperation to please I crawl to the other side of the room. The doctor then says, "Now, you crawl real fass back to me." again, I do what he say's. The doctor then shakes his head and says, "You haf real bad case of Ed Zackary disease ... worse case I ever see! That why you haf sex problem."
Totally confused by his diagnosis, I asks, "What is Ed Zackary disease? I've never heard of it."
The doctor replies, "Ed Zackary disease ... that when your face rook Ed Zackary rike your ass!"

Please help me cure my Ed Zachary disease! Donate TODAY!

*DISCLAIMER*
* I did not write this joke.. I found it, changed it a bit and laughed my giant ass off!

My Sex Therapist is a Plastic Surgeon!

2009-09-21T08:01:00.000-07:00

Since starting this blog 3 weeks ago I have had a lot of comments and suggestions on what I’m doing wrong or right in the bedroom. I’ve made people laugh at my stories and made some men upset. “Stirred the pot” a bit you may say. But one thing that hasn’t happened, my sex life has not improved much at all.
I’ve decided I’m going to test all the theories and suggestions that I have read…

Theory 1: Exercise helps increases your sex drive
Theory 2: Feeling better about your appearance (looking sexier) improves your sex drive
Theory 3: Having a healthy sex life make for a Healthy marriage
Theory 4: If you put out more your husband naturally is more willing to help out around the house
Theory 5: Theory of accountability. When being held accountable you’re more likely to follow through.

How am I going to test these theories you ask? Well I have demised a plan….
I am going to walk and screw my way to a TUMMY TUCK!

I am SO self conscious about my appearance naked since I’ve had my 3 kids. I have this big huge wrinkled pocket of skin and stretch marks, it’s horrible. NO amount of crunches will ever take it away and as much as my husband say's it doesn't bother him, I know it does.
I also need to lose about 60 lbs! I need some accountability in my life, YOU!!

See the “DONATE” button on the sidebar?

For every dollar donated I’m going to walk a mile.

For every $20 mark I’m doing something “special” for my husband.

With all this excersize and love making I’m going to test the theories above and blog daily about the progress or lack there of. I'm going to give MYSELF a Bitch slap of REALITY! It may sting a little but it has to be done!
A tummy tuck cost approximately $5000. That’s A LOT of miles and “special” time with my husband. I think this Plastic Surgeon (whom ever he or she may be) will do A LOT more for my sex life then any Sex Therapist could ever hope to do!
I’m going to be held accountable by YOU, and prove if these theories work or not!
And in the end (when ever that may be) when I reach my goal I will have a “COMING OUT” party. I will show the WORLD who Mrs. Sex Journal is and show before and after pictures and hopefully have an incredibly hot sex life with my husband. And in the end give women a drive to try harder in the bedroom and men to try harder in the kitchen!
ARE YOU WITH ME??!!
Then push my BUTTON and lets get hot!

Yodalay Whoohoo....

2009-09-18T07:23:00.000-07:00

I didn't put out last night. I couldn't. Aunt flow is still here and both I and my husband put in a LOOOOONNNNNNGGGG day! BUT, I think as soon as flow wraps up her visit, I'm going to make an EFFORT! Yea I said it, an EFFORT to have sex. Or in this case "go hiking" My husband has been working really hard on a club house for our kids and it turned out SO FREAKING CUTE! SO the least I can do is reward him with 60 seconds of hard mountain climbing (see find waldo post). It will be tough terrain to cover in 60 seconds but I think it can be done! Even if he doesn't make it to the top, I think he'll be happy! Ohdalay whoohooo!! (that's yodeling)
keep you posted~

Operation: Find Waldo and Send Him Home!

2009-09-16T15:24:00.000-07:00

Sex? Sexy? Sexual? No, No and NO…..
So I stood in front of my mirror today naked… YEA… that was fun. I tried to find ONE at least ONE tiny little thing about me that looked sexy, and I couldn’t do it. “Where’s Waldo” you ask? My guess is tucked away in some fat roll gasping for air!

COME ON! Even my toes look like shit! How does this happen? I even thought, “Turn halfway around just so your side is showing and your long hair can flow down your back, well my “LONG” hair needs a deep treatment of some sort, and it doesn’t “flow” due to the rolls it stops on like a tree branch clenching to the edge of a cliff. And my ASS?? OMG! From the side it looks like a mountain slope AND once again the growth from the “FOREST of Unkept Secrets” (read hairy situation post) looks like it’s trying to reach that slope! My heels are cracked, my nails are bitten down, eyebrows need tweezing, and an all over exfoliation wouldn’t hurt one bit! When looking at myself only one thought went through my head: “WOW, men must need sex to breathe!” His drive for sex has to be for PURE SURVIVAL! No PERSON would mount this nightmare just for fun!
Enough!
Time to execute Operation: Find Waldo and send him home.
Step 1: RUN!! Run until I can’t breathe! (About 4 min)
Step2: Get out the weed whacker and get whacking!
Step 3: GO TANNING
Step 4: Clip, file and paint nails, tweeze eyebrows, look for hair in chin, take multi-vitamins and RUN SOME MORE!
I know it’s going to take work, HARD WORK, but I’m committed! So get on your hiking boots girls and LET’S FIND WALDO!

Looking In the Mirror

2009-09-15T22:38:00.000-07:00

So I’m out with a close friend night before last and we got on the topic of my blog. I’ve always known she had a healthy sex drive. She is 1 year older than I am and has been married longer. I always assumed her healthy sex drive contributed to 1 thing: Her Husband. Her husband is the type that ALWAYS helped with everything, kids, house, yard, very “hands on” I always said, “ if all men were like him, most women would be more willing to put out” I brought this exact point up to my friend. She told me something that surprised me. Something that truly put a mirror in front of my face.
She told me that although her husband always helped with everything and was a very hard worker and good father and a good husband they don’t have a healthy “Sex” life. She said she feels that he works so much that he doesn't seem to have the time or energy for sex. (sound familiar?) “I KNOW, he does what he does because he loves me, it’s not so much “SEX” per say. It would be nice to feel like I’m important enough to him that he makes me a priority. It really hurts sometimes that he doesn’t”
It was so strange to hear this coming from a friend of mine and women also. I felt as though a mirror had been held in front of my face. As I stated in an earlier post, I do make time for everything in my life except sex. But after last night I really had to be truthful with myself. To be honest, I make time in my life for everything except my husband. When I say “I’m too tired” It’s true, BUT… I also say I show my husband how much I love him through the everyday things I do. After leaving my friend last night I realized I don’t. There is definitely room for improvement. It’s not so much “Sex” but bonding, talking, communicating and sharing. Making each other feel the others time, thoughts and NEEDS are just as important as the kids, job, house etc. I’m not saying my husband is “Off the hook” on his end, but I definitely share a part in the solution.
Sometimes when looking at your own reflection you don’t like what’s looking back at you. Good thing we all have the ability to change that reflection.

I’m going to leave this post with a quote I read recently and LOVED!

"The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it, and change. So that every new moment is not spent in regret, guilt, fear, or anger, but in wisdom, understanding, and love." Jennifer Edwards

That CRAZY Bitch Flow...

2009-09-14T23:12:00.000-07:00

Well I got an unexpected visitor this morning, AUNTIE FLOW…
I should have sensed her arrival was approaching with all the chocolate cravings and the third eye that appeared on my forehead, but with all the work I had going on this week I somehow missed the signs.
And as most of you know, when aunt flow shows up, the husband packs up and sex is off the menu for at least 7 days.
During her visit last night we re-read some of the comments left by men. WELL, auntie flow (not being the gracious person I am) saw things in a bit different. And wanted me to pass a message on to the men who frequent this blog…..

“A picture says a thousand words…. this one say’s two”

Love Flow.

That Flow, she’s one crazy bitch!

Getting Back on Track

2009-09-13T23:49:00.000-07:00

For those of you just getting here let me bring you up to speed…
1) Husband told me we had the worst sex life ever
2) I doubted his statement and started a blog about it
3) Blog was going to be a light hearted self discovery journal about the reasons I don’t like having sex as much as I use to
4) Women LOVE it; Men I wouldn’t say HATE it but dislike my approach.

Time to get back on track!!

To get the full story please read “OLDER POST” & Male Comments!
I’m not so naive or bias as to think my disinterest in sex has to do ONLY with the actions (or lack thereof) of my husband. With that, I did some “soul searching” you might call it, to see what it is that I DO to contribute to my current sexual situation. Here is what I came up with:

1) I am truly unhappy with my appearance since having our last child
2) I have made no effort to get the baby out of our bed which leads to less sleep for me and less sex for my husband.
3) I make time for EVERYTHING in my life except quality time with my husband

So, this is where I’m going to start my journey. I am a TRUE believer in leading through example and getting back that which you give. I am going to work on myself and what I can do to get my sex life back on track. I will post about it, and I will be honest about it.

In regards to the 2 male comments left today:
1) Instead of getting all offended by “MY sex life” try reading what I’m truly writing about and see where you could possibly see things from your wives perspective. And maybe when she says she’s “tired” or “not in the mood” try and look at the situation from behind her eyes instead of behind your zipper.
2) And to Bradley Tee, when dressing as a school girl to keep it interesting: keep your balls tucked in your uniform or things could go south really quick!

And last but most certainly the most important:
The one and only thing that NO ONE reading or commenting on this blog can dispute is I LOVE MY HUSBAND. And I know without any uncertainty that he loves me.
We may not have as much sex as some couples out there but we have a much stronger bond than most couples I know. We are honest with each other and can laugh about things that most couples can’t even talk about. So to those who doubt, think what you may… I know where we stand and that’s all that matters.

Another MALE comment! YEA!

2009-09-13T00:56:00.000-07:00

MALE COMMENT AGAIN! YEA!!
I got another comment. Seems he's upset about the "YOU BIG TEASE" post. I would like to share…..

"How about you focus on what your husband does do and not what he doesn’t do. I’m sure he isn’t at home thinking all about what the hell you’re not doing, other than maybe thinking about the sex you’re obviously not giving him. Women and Men have gone through this since the beginning of time this isn’t anything new. It’s on both sides of the fence though. It sure seems easy for women to talk to everyone else about a problem other than the person they need too. You should probably give your husband some respect and talk to him. If he doesn’t listen then you have a lot worse off problems "communication is the key"Also if he isn’t offended by all this than he already gave you the pants to wear so you might as well just give him chores like an 8yr old child.Have fun with your day dreams!"

WOW, struck a cord, hit a nerve?? so here we go…to address your statement “focus on what your husband does do and not what doesn’t do.” Fair enough. I PROMISE my next post will be about all the things he does right and why I love him. BUT, in my defense my blog isn’t about what my husband does, it’s about why I don’t want to have “SEX” Not is it about why I don’t “LOVE” my husband, I DO. (Refer to “BLURRY LINES “post)
Your comment: “I’m sure he’s not at home thinking about what the hell you’re not doing, other than maybe the sex you’re not giving” Your right, I’m SURE he’s thinking about the sex he’s not getting, BUT if he focused on WHY IT IS he’s not getting it instead of the fact he’s not getting it maybe he WOULD GET IT! Get it?
Your comment: “It sure seems easy for women to talk to everyone else about a problem other than the person they need too”
After 14 years of marriage, TRUST ME, we’ve talked. And women have to talk to other women due to the fact that men think differently and DON’T UNDERSTAND! So when women talk to their friends and see that they too are going through similar things, it feels good to know your NORMAL!
Your comment:
“You should probably give your husband some respect and talk to him. If he doesn’t listen then you have a lot worse off problems. communication is the key.” I do respect my husband whether you think so or not. We do communicate all the time. That doesn’t always lead to resolution. Men and women think differently about sex period….. No amount of communication is going to change that.
Your comment: “Also if he isn’t offended by all this than he already gave you the pants to wear so you might as well just give him chores like an 8yr old child”
He knows about my blog and I have read him some of the post. We have laughed our asses off. He hasn’t read them all nor does he want to. He actually thought “You Big Tease” was one of the funniest ones. He KNOWS there’s truth behind the humor. We are VERY secure in our relationship. We joke ALL THE TIME about our sex life, at least we can laugh about it. As far as “he already gave me the pants to wear” Due to our lack of sex life WE BOTH wear our pants! (Just kidding) I hate that saying because why does one have to be dominant over the other? It’s so stupid! We’re a team. We love each other. Were not perfect but who is?
Your comment: “Have fun with your daydreams” Who has time for daydreams? IM LIVING THE DREAM!
Best wishes to you and please keep the comments coming. It is mainly women reading this blog so it’s good to hear a man’s perspective!

You BIG Tease!!

2009-09-12T23:17:00.000-07:00

I bet most of you have heard the phrase “Dick Tease”? Well, if by some remote chance you haven’t heard the phrase I think is pretty self explanatory, it’s teasing or arousing a man, leading him on, letting him believe that something wonderful is about to happen to him sexual, then not following through. And in a man’s book a “Dick Tease” is just about the WORST thing a women can be.

Well I gotta phrase for you, “DISH TEASE” yea I said it! D.I.S.H. TEASE! You ever had one of those in your life? I bet you have! It’s when a man says he’s going to do the dishes, leads you on, get’s you all worked up and aroused by the thought that you just might have one less freaking thing to do at the end of the night. You’re in another room hearing the dishes clank around and your heart starts to race at the thought of his hands slowly wiping a dishcloth over those dirty, nasty, dishes…. Your naughty, YOUR NAUGHTY!

You quietly tiptoe to the kitchen for a peek; you just need one look of your man bent over that dishwasher to take you over the edge. You run your fingers around the corner of the wall then follow with your eyes….. What the FU**??? Where’s my man? Suddenly you hear the TV in the next room; you franticly look around the kitchen and see the crusted pots and pans still on the stove, food particles on the countertops, and crumbs on the floor. HE COULDN’T BE DONE!? You think to yourself, you race the TV room with the look of desperation in your eyes... “Are you going to finish the dishes?” you ask hoping the answer is going to be a definite “YES” but to your dismay he states: “I did finish the dishes”.
“Well what about the pots and pans?” You ask without trying to sound too desperate. “They didn’t fit in the dishwasher” he replies. “Well, it’s not done! It looks like crap! It’s not CLEAN!” to which MY “DISH TEASE” responds with “Look, I did my best. I’m tired, and least I tried, can’t you just be happy I did the dishes for you?” For me? Why the hell is it for me? I work also, everyone eats…
Soon you began to realize if you want to be satisfied you’re going to have to finish the job yourself.
I don’t know about the rest of you women out there but to me a “DISH TEASE” is EVERY BIT as bad as a “DICK TEASE” if not worse! At least if a man has to “finish the job himself” (if you get my drift) it just takes him some dirty thoughts, a few strokes and the job is done! When finishing the dishes after he offered to do the job? The only dirty thought running through my head involves a shovel of dirt and an early grave for someone sharing the same last name!

I wonder to myself how it would be if tonight I tell my husband I’m going to “do him”! I’m going to take him to places his body and mind didn’t even know existed, and right when he needs a visual to take him over the top, I’m going to go watch TV. When he comes to me with that look of desperation and say’s “What happened? You’re not done! What about the rubbing, caressing, the sex?”
I’ll simply say “Look, I did my best; I’m tired, why can’t you be happy that I tried?” “The machine is loaded, go finish the job”
I bet you the next time he offers to do the dishes, HE FINISHES THE JOB!

Survey Say's!!

2009-09-10T22:00:00.000-07:00

What makes you more in the MOOD??
OK ladies and gents, the votes are in on our week long survey!
The question was;
What is more likely to put you in the mood?
1) Helping with housework
2) Spending quality time with you
3) Flowers or Chocolate
4) Back rub and Hugs
5) Telling you how great you are
6) Having a job and supporting your family

Survey Say’s!
Helping with Housework and Spending Quality Time with You came in at a tie at 40% of the votes each.
Flowers or Chocolate or back rub and hugs tied in second place at 10% of the votes each
Telling you how great you are and having a job 0 votes.

My advice to all you men out there wanting to get laid tonight:
Help out with the house and kids; plan a date night where YOU make the arrangements right down to the babysitter. Spend quality time listening to your wife while massaging her from her back to her feet, after the massage surprise her with a LARGE bouquet of CHOCOLATE roses! And to seal the deal, tell her how FANTASTIC she is while signing over your paycheck!
Try it! I bet it works!

The Blurry Line...

2009-09-09T21:17:00.000-07:00

I have had some emails and comments on my blog, about my stories. It just simply AMAZES me how differently men and women view what I’m writing about... With women you see things like: “LOL!” “I was CRACKING UP!” Or “I KNOW! I feel the same way!” Even women I know and close friends who have read some post see it as a light hearted funny blog that they in some way can relate to.
Men? Well that my friend is a COMPLETELY different story. They see it as “Man Bashing” degrading, me holding out sex in a loveless and cruel way... (Ouch!)

So to the men reading this: I LOVE my husband. This isn’t about LOVE. It’s not about being cruel or degrading. It's about making light of my sexlife! And seeing that there isn't anything WRONG with me or other women like me. I think the blurry line here is that men see that SEX is directly related to showing LOVE and I (and a lot of women I talk to) don’t.

I show my husband and family LOVE though the everyday things I do, as does my husband. But at the end of a LOOONNNNNGGGGG day of work and being completely drained, when my husband say’s “Are we going to get it on?” I didn’t hear “I love you so much, is there anything I can do to help out” Does that mean he doesn't love me? NO!

There are times when we have worked together on a project or were on vacation or he has just made an effort to pitch in that I do feel like “Making Love” and being close, there are also times when I’m just in a good mood or had a drink or feel relaxed that I just want to have “SEX”
But, DAY TO DAY, after an 8-9 hour work day, then a 6 additional hours of housework, homework, dinner, laundry, school projects etc. I don’t usually feel like having “SEX” it in no way means I don’t LOVE my husband it means I’M TIRED! And a little personal time would be nice.

Case and point:
September 9, 2009
My day:

Woke up 7am
Got Kids off to school
Left for work
Left work at 2 to pick up one child, went back to work, left work again at 2:50 picked up another child, went back to work.
5:30 get home start dinner and homework with kids
6:30 wrap up dinner, take kids friends home
7:00 load up baby, and older siblings, go to store to get cat food and stuff to pack school lunches
7:30 get home put away groceries take baby for a walk
8:30 bath baby and lay him down (30 min process)
9:00 get other siblings off to bed
9:30 come downstairs do dinner dishes
10:00 Kids are asleep, house is clean, and husband wants sex….

Husbands Day:
6 am leaves for work
4pm comes home
Takes nap until 7pm when I wake him up to let him know dinner is done.
7:30 eats dinner
8:00 takes child for 15 min ride on motorcycle
8:20 Sits down with chips I bought for school lunches and starts to watch TV
10 pm see’s that I’m done with everything, wants to have sex

Did sex happen? No, I was too TIRED!
I LOVE him, neither of us is perfect by any means, BUT “SEX” is just not high on MY “PRIORITY LIST” just like day to day house work is not on HIS “PRIORITY LIST”
I’m not saying all days are like this one but most. How often do we have sex? You do the math. The way I see it, in order for us to get on the same page sexualy we BOTH have make things in our lives a higher priority.
Does any of this mean I don’t LOVE him? NO. It just means I’m TIRED!! does that make me a heartless loveless bitch who holds out on sex, well, you decide... either way I'm to tired to give a shit!

"WHOOP, there it is!"

2009-09-08T22:59:00.000-07:00

I’m sure you’ve all heard the song “Whoop there it is!”?
Well for those who haven’t heard the song it starts out kinda cute, good beat, makes you shake a little, makes you smile, bop up and down, then slowly it starts to grind on your nerves, you want to turn it off, you can’t take it anymore. WHY? Because it just keeps repeating & repeating over and over again! “Whoop, there it is! Whoop there it is!” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!! WE KNOW! THERE IT FREAKING IS!!! …... Sorry, I can’t even think about that song without going bonkers!
This is the song I hear in my head when I see (or feel) my husband’s penis. Open my eye’s in the morning, “WHOOP, there it is!” Getting in or out of the shower, “WHOOP, there it is!” Making dinner “WHOOP, there it is!” Sit down to watch a movie, “WHOOP, there it is!” Bending over to brush my teeth “WHOOP, there it is!” Writing my blog… “Whoop...” JUST KIDDING! It’s amazing how it’s always readily available! It just pops out of nowhere like a spring daisy needing sunlight and water! And just like the song, in the beginning it started out kinda cute, made me shake a little, bop up and down, but after awhile, I just wanted to change the song to sound a little more like “WHOOP! Mow the lawn!” “WHOOP! Wash a dish!” And slowly but surely over 14 years the lyrics, thank GOD, have begun to change... But no matter how much time passes by I KNOW in the still quietness of the night...
“WHOOP, there it is!”

Note to self: BURN NUDE UNDERWEAR!

2009-09-07T00:34:00.000-07:00

Note to self: BURN NUDE COLORED UDERWEAR!
So, I finally put out this morning! My husband got the BEST 45 seconds of his whole day all because of an unforeseen mishap. I call this mishap “NUDE UNDERWARE” Trust me when I say, I don’t wear sexy panties… I can’t, I use to but I’m all about the comfort and multi color packs now. I remember when I was a teenager and my mom would come into my room and ask me if I had been taking her underwear? “I AM SO SURE MOM!” I would quickly reply, “Like I would wear your big granny panties!” I swore, SWORE to myself that I WOULD NEVER, EVER wear what I called silky parachute underwear. 60lbs, 3 kids and a tight budget later I’m hooked! But it’s not silky, it’s the seamless microfiber. LOVE IT!
Anyway, a multi colored pack purchased recently had a white pair, black pair and nude pair. Great! I wore the nude pair to bed. Now, usually to avert any misguided signals my husband may be picking up, I go to bed FULLY CLOTHED. I wear yoga pants, bra, T-shirt, and underwear and socks. Well last night I was really tired and the baby was asleep in my bed. So in the dark I just stripped down to my nursing bra and parachute microfiber nude colored underwear. I’m not even going to call them “Panties” because that sounds too cute for what they are. These are UNDERWEAR!
Well dawn approached too soon and the sun began to peer through the window. I start to stretch and kick off my blankets, and as if my husband sensed skin not cotton his eyes popped open to what he thought was me with no underwear on! “Are you not wearing underwear!?” He asked like a child on Christmas morning! Quick as a flash he was up and rearing to go for it! I was so stunned, and thrown off! What the HELL was he talking about?? I franticly tried to divert the situation while still trying to figure out what the situation even was. I looked down and realized my nude colored underwear had deceived him! And because of the microfiber a few of my stiffer hairs were poking through! HOLY SHIT! I had worn sexy panties unknowingly! I sent false signals, and I knew at this point not even my bad breath, leaking boobs of milk or smelly armpits could get me out of this pickle! (Literally).
Needless to say, 45 seconds later my husband was happily snoring again while I was burning my nude colored parachute panties….

A Hairy Situation

2009-09-05T15:43:00.000-07:00

A Hairy Situation….
After the birth of our first child our sex life was put into a tail spin, my husband got no tail and that made him dizzy… (hee hee get it? Tail spin?) Anyway, one day I was thinking about all the reasons I didn’t want to have sex and one thing that kept coming to mind was the word “SEX” don’t you have to feel “SEXY” to want to have “SEX”? Well, it made sense to me. So, in an effort to get things back on track I thought to myself….. “Hmm, what can I do TODAY to feel sexy?” After looking in the mirror at the wreckage that was left behind from being pregnant (baby was 9lbs and I gained 80!) I thought “well not much.” But at a second glance it came to me... LESS HAIR DOWN THERE! I guess in all the excitement of pregnancy, child birth, and new baby I had failed to notice the dark forest of unkepted secrets….
Holy SHIT! What on earth had happened?? I think the prenatal vitamins were fertilizing the lawn! Time to take action! I had a plan; I was going to mow the lawn and edge! That would at least be a start. But I didn’t have much time and from the looks of things it was going to be a 3 step process to attack this job.

Step 1: trim up everything with husbands clippers Step 2: clean up sides and edge
Step 3: Moisturize to prevent itchy bumps

Right in the midst of clipping the plan was derailed by my precious crying newborn. But I was a woman on a mission! Quick as a flash I had divert to plan “B” and old bottle of Nair bikini hair removal. I quickly applied the cream in the bikini area and wrapped a towel around me and went to attend to my baby. Getting her back to sleep took a bit more time then what was recommended time on the bottle of Nair but soon she was fast asleep and I was back on track! (Well so I thought)
Apparently while moving around the cream didn’t stay in its designated are. I hopped in the shower to rinse away the “forest of unkept secrets” and globs of hair started falling out right in my hand! I just kept rinsing and it just kept falling out! I stepped out of the shower and looked down. It looked like my forest just barely survived a nuclear attack. There were little patches of hair dispersed sporadically between large bald spots. I had no choice but to finish the assault , with one more round of Nair my forest was gone leaving behind what seemed to be a map of highways upon a new glistening bumpy road. Not sexy AT ALL!! I had no idea you could get stretch marks there! I took a deep breath and knew at this point that God had put hair there for a reason and that some secrets are just meant to be kept.

Later that night I stuck to my plan to get the sex life back on track and hoped my de boggled attempt to improve my sexiness would go unnoticed. Not a chance, as soon as my husband caught a glimpse of the aftermath he was stunned to say the least! “WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED!!” I was speechless at his reaction... for about a half second, and then I just burst out laughing! “I’m you sexy bald bitch!” I replied. To which he quickly said “I don’t want to see that again until its back to normal”

Needless to say after about a week of itching nonstop, the forest began to grow again, and now is protected by the national wildlife federation for the conservation of my sex life.

My FIRST MALE COMMENT!!

2009-09-03T21:07:00.000-07:00

Yeah! My first MALE comment! I would like to share it……

“The thing IS...we all get what we give and the snowball effect of NO sex just makes things worse and worse. If MY wife had this attitude...there would be less of every emotion around the house, except anger and resentment. Good luck with your blog...I'm off to get another blowjob.”

Ok so, here we go…. I 100% agree with the “we all get what we give” statement! But that statement could easily go both ways. In my household the majority of the household duties are done by me. Dinner, dishes, homework, shopping, cleaning, Dr. Appointments, yadda, yadda, yadda, you get the picture. I am not saying my husband doesn’t help from time to time and lately more than he ever use to. BUT, it’s always a choice for him, if he doesn’t feel like doing anything after work, he doesn’t. If he feels like helping, he does. There is absolutely no choices for me, things have to get done, kids have to be fed, homework has to be turned in, baby has to be taken care of and I work a full time job also. So with the statement “we all get what we give”
I think if things were done on a regular basis TO GIVE MORE, he would GET MORE if you catch my drift. I have tried to explain to my husband that at the end of the night when the day is done I am exhausted and that’s why I don’t want to have sex. I in no way want to speak for other women BUT from speaking to OTHER women it seem to me it am the same for them as well.

As far as the part of your statement “If MY wife had this attitude…” just know, this is not a blog to “MEN BASH” or to have an attitude in anyway, it’s quite simply how I feel. As far as the “NO SEX” comment, we have sex, just not as often as we use to and I find myself caring about it less and less. I love my husband and we have a great relationship. If you could be a fly on the wall you would see there is A LOT of love in my home. That is exactly why I want to explore the reasons of WHY or WHY NOT, I can’t seem to care about sex.
And last but by no means least… your statement “I’m off to get another blowjob” GOOD FOR YOU!! YEAH! On your way there, load the dishwasher and throw in some laundry, sounds like your wife deserve it! Or maybe you already did??? Getting back what you give huh???

SO, my question to my blog viewers and 2 followers!! In your opinion do daily duties have a direct effect on your sex drive?

New Car Smell Theory

2009-09-01T23:04:00.000-07:00

So, I have been advised by my beloved to get my hormone levels checked to see why it is I don’t want to have sex…… Not gonna happen! Reason? I’ve come up with a theory; I call it the New Car Smell Theory.
I just bought a new car, I LOVE THE SMELL OF A NEW CAR! What is it about that smell anyways? Oh, I know: it’s NEW! It’s clean; it runs really well, it doesn’t need anything from you other than to drive the hell out of it! It’s exhilarating to push the gas to see how fast it can go, play with all the new buttons see what they do…. Are you following me? Well as time goes on the New Car Smell starts to fade, there is no surprises, you know what all the buttons do or don’t do now that they have quit working, the car turns into work, running back and forth to work, picking up kids, cleaning it, the sticker in the window is a constant reminder of your next trip to the Lube n Go. It’s not that you don’t greatly appreciate your car and what it does for you, your glad you have it and sometimes after a good wash, wax and detail you’re reminded of how fun it was to drive and you take it for a spin just for the fun of it, but no matter how many New Car Smell air freshening trees you buy… the smell is forever gone!
Now if I drove my car to a let’s say… MECHANIC, and said I want you to run a diagnostic on my car and find out why the new car smell is gone, the mechanic would do it because he’s a dishonest JACKASS. He would tell me the smell is gone because the air filter is clogged, charge me for the diagnostic and filter, then proceed to tell me to use better oil and treat my car with a little more respect all the while thinking that I’m an idiot! If you’re not following me here (the mechanic is the DOCTOR)
Now from a mans perspective,
They can’t smell, they don’t care, it could be a rusty piece of shit at a junk yard and they would see a classic model that they WANT TO DRIVE just to see how it feels!
In a nutshell:
I don’t need a mechanic to tell me I need a new air filter so I want to ride my husband more often. I just need to find a really good New Car Smell air freshener to hang above my headboard right next to the sticker that reminds me of my next Lube n Go!

THE WORST SEX LIFE EVER???

2009-08-31T22:13:00.001-07:00

My husband told me the other night that he is certain we have the WORST sex life than ANY OTHER COUPLE out there! I was a little taken back, not a lot being as I would rather be doing just about anything rather than sex! I have to admit it has been a bit of a dry spell since our 3rd child was born a year ago, although, we were heading into the drought long before I found out I was pregnant. But, to say THE WORST THAN ANYONE got me thinking: do we? We couldn’t really have “THE WORST” And if in fact we did why?? I love my husband, he’s good to me, he takes care of himself, not overweight, pretty good looking, has good job, good father… so why is it the second he say’s those words “do you think we’re going to have sex tonight?” I want to take off my shoe and hurl it at his head? Why is that? Am I the only wife out there that wants’ to wear her deadliest heels to bed? Well this is a question I decided that needed to be answered. And I’m hoping that with this blog and my daily entries and your daily comments this mystery can be resolved, not only for me, but for others! I am going to journal my everyday sex life or Lack thereof and the reasons I didn’t feel like “PUTTING OUT” or did! And as we take this sex journey together maybe I will find that we do in fact have THE WORST sex life or maybe just maybe we don’t. Maybe were just like millions of other couples out there thinking there alone. And maybe we can all learn a little about what we can do to improve our sex lives with the ones we love! SO… sit back put your finger on your mouse and get ready to scroll!

In THE BEGINING

2009-08-31T22:12:00.001-07:00

Well like all great mysteries, with this one I feel I have to start at the beginning in order to figure out how we got to where we are today. Like most couples we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. Sex was not only a part of our relationship, it WAS the relationship, and looking back it’s amazing we got anything else accomplished. It was new and exciting, but unlike most fairytales we WEREN’T young and in love, we were young and horny…. But all that horniness and togetherness eventually led to love. My husband LOVES to revisit these days in our conversations. He’s always’ saying things like “why don’t you where sexier clothes? I remember when we were dating and you always matched your bra and panties, and you dressed sexy all the time” to which I immediately reply to “well that’s before I had stretch marks from my crotch to my breast, boobs full of leaking milk and as ass that needs a bit more material to stretch across it” But my favorite comment of all times has to be: “Maybe you should go see the doctor and see if there is something wrong with you? Maybe it’s hormonal” (SHOE QUICK!) I felt like saying “Maybe you should go visit the doctor to see how much it will cost to remove my 10 in heel from your fuc**** forehead!” Instead I lovingly replied “No honey, it’s not hormones it’s dishes, laundry, homework, housework and lack of sleep” to which he quickly responded “Uh. NO, you started changing after you had our first baby, I’m sure it’s hormones” Later that evening while filling out a police report as to why my husband was dead… (Kidding) I came up with a theory. I call it The New Car Smell theory!